Suspicion
by shialuvr222
Summary: A neutral account of the time Columbus shot Bruce Willis... Crackfic. Very short, pointless drabble. Set the day after the Pacific Playland incident.


A/N: So, I watched this movie AGAIN last night with my sister. She'd never seen it before (:O). She liked it. Meanwhile, I'm more in love with it than ever lol This popped into my head around 3 last night/this morning, and I jotted it down. I don't think I did a very good job. IF you want to try and rewrite it, that'd be fine, but you **must** ask me first. No exceptions. I have proof that I wrote this.

This is basically a pointless drabble. No plot. I will hopefully get Chapter 2 of Never up soon, but that will be the last one. No language here, either. Sorry, guys.

Anyhoo, I love Bruce Willis, so I couldn't resist. I loved Bill Murray, too, but I guess Columbus ended that XD I think this could have been a whole lot better, though. I've never attempted humor before – all my stuff has been angst/h/c/tragedy. PLEASE tell me what you think. Thanks!

Disclaimer: I don't own Zombieland or any of the characters mentioned here; no offense is meant to Bruce Willis (he's, like, the LAST PERSON I want to offend, except for Chuck Norris) or to Harrison Ford, for all three lines he's discussed in this. And no, I don't think that someone as awesome as Bruce Willis could really get taken down by a nervous nerd with a double-barrel, but hey. Cut me some slack.

XXX

"I don't care who you are, you _have _to know who Harrison Ford is."

"Sorry, no."

"Air Force One? Patriot Games? The Fugitive? Not even Star Wars, for God's sake?"

Columbus smiled. Tallahassee and Little Rock were at it again. He glanced over at Wichita to find that she gained the same amusement from hearing them squabble.

The road was empty. After the Pacific Playland incident last night, they crashed at Bill's mansion and set out for Mexico this morning. They had only been driving a couple of hours.

The dashboard dinged, and he looked over the instruments. They were low on oil. He sighed, hating to end the argument in the backseat, but this took precedence.

"Hey, guys, could you be on the lookout for a service station, please? Thank you."

"What'd you do this time?"

"We're low on fluids."

"What?"

Wichita interrupted. "There's one."

She pointed it out. Columbus peeled off their current course and headed for the abandoned building.

Tallahassee went first, as usual. They proceeded cautiously, checking each aisle carefully and quietly. The clerk was a zombie, but someone before them had already dispatched him. Wichita and Columbus proceeded to search for the oil, while Little Rock and Tallahassee looked around for who knows what.

Suddenly, there was a crash from the back of the store. A couple of shouts confirmed what he feared: none of them had made that noise.

Columbus and Wichita made their way towards the office in the back. The door was solid, but they could hear a faint shuffling sound. Then, the unmistakable gurgling of a zombie. The handle began to move.

_Bang._

Little Rock came running. Columbus had taken the shot. Now there was silence.

Sighing, she stepped forward and pushed open the door, gun at the ready. She paused for a moment, then turned and looked at Columbus.

"You didn't even bother to look?"

He swallowed. "It was a zombie, wasn't it?"

"Look again."

He stepped forward and stared. True, there was a zombie on the floor, but it was on the other side of the room, freshly re-killed. His shot had hit someone else.

He swore. Wichita just shook her head.

"Florida isn't going to like this.

"Isn't going to like what?"

They spun around to see Tallahassee standing there, a suspicious look on his face. Wichita tried to be tactful.

"Florida… I know you'll take this hard, but-"

Tallahassee shoved past her and looked in the room. When he turned back around, he looked murderous.

"You, Sally, are a menace to civilization."

"I didn't know!"

"I don't want to hear it! Where's the oil?"

Little Rock wordlessly supplied him with the liquid.

"You should be ashamed."

"I am."

"Do you have it out for my role models?"

"I said I was sorry."

"Tell him that."

"You're not going to let this go, are you?"

"He's John McClane! Art Jeffries! Malcolm Crowe! A.K. Waters! I could go on all day."

Columbus sighed. He suspected he would be hearing about this for a long time.

XXX

A/N: Questions? Comments? Startling revelations on the dichotomy of good and evil? I don't know if you don't tell me. ;)

All those Harrison Ford movies are awesome, by the way. Highly recommended. The Bruce Willis characters are from these movies:

John McClane: Die Hard (DUH)

Art Jeffries: Mercury Rising

(Dr.) Malcolm Crowe: The Sixth Sense

(Lieutenant) A.K. Waters: Tears Of The Sun

In case you hadn't noticed, I may watch a movie now and then… lol :)


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